Bitterness Bites

Bitterness or anger, whichever verb you choose to call it by; is a harsh reality of ADDICTION.  It is a hard emotion to deal with, I mean who wants to be angry and bitter. Not me, but I am.

It comes in waves. I can have a perfectly fine day, until my perverbial buttons get pushed.  Yes, I admit that it is usually set off by something small. Yet, all in all, I think it is more the stress of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, or because I feel as if I am the one that is responsible for everything. Most of all, I think that I get the most angry and bitter when I feel the reprecussions of the addiction, the consequences. 

For example, why am I the one (along with my daughter) that had to leave our home, our pets, our privacy.  I am now staying with my mother, something I thought I'd never have to do as an adult.  It is like a double edged sword that is constantly slicing, stabbing, knicking in one way or another. 

Well, I am not here to whine about my circumstances, vent a little, but not whine.  Yet, on days like today, I would like to just lay down and cry. Yet, I know that God doesn't want me to have a pity party. So my best opportunity lies in leaving things in His hands. Trusting Him, for He is the source of my strength.  The bible says that "I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me".  Is it hard to Trust Him? Well, the answer to that questions is YES and NO! It is only hard because the flesh or our human side always thinks that we can handle things ourselves. 

Yes, I have learned that I can not handle these things on my own. Maybe you've heard the phrase "die to oneself".  This is a task that can not be mastered by humans. We are to egotistical and to proud, we are selfish by nature.  Not the nature that God intended, for he created us originally without sin, yet when Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge, we fell from grace.  So since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have been born sinful.  It is only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that our sins can be forgiven.  Jesus suffered tremendously in order to win the victory over death that was caused by their fall (the fall of all humanity).  Jesus carried the cross, was brutally tortured and ridiculed, yet he had done nothing wrong. Yet, here I sit allowing my husband's sins and the consequences that I suffer for these sins to make me so bitterly angry. 

This poses the question... what if Jesus had gotten angry at the sins of humanity and whined about it? What if Jesus had decided to have a pity party instead of carrying that cross.  So tonight I will pick up my cross, I will not have a pity party, and I will not go to bed angry.  Tonight, I vow to turn my eyes upon Jesus...again... and again... and again. 

Til next time!

PEACE!