Bitterness or anger, whichever verb you choose to call it by; is a harsh reality of ADDICTION. It is a hard emotion to deal with, I mean who wants to be angry and bitter. Not me, but I am.
It comes in waves. I can have a perfectly fine day, until my perverbial buttons get pushed. Yes, I admit that it is usually set off by something small. Yet, all in all, I think it is more the stress of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, or because I feel as if I am the one that is responsible for everything. Most of all, I think that I get the most angry and bitter when I feel the reprecussions of the addiction, the consequences.
For example, why am I the one (along with my daughter) that had to leave our home, our pets, our privacy. I am now staying with my mother, something I thought I'd never have to do as an adult. It is like a double edged sword that is constantly slicing, stabbing, knicking in one way or another.
Well, I am not here to whine about my circumstances, vent a little, but not whine. Yet, on days like today, I would like to just lay down and cry. Yet, I know that God doesn't want me to have a pity party. So my best opportunity lies in leaving things in His hands. Trusting Him, for He is the source of my strength. The bible says that "I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me". Is it hard to Trust Him? Well, the answer to that questions is YES and NO! It is only hard because the flesh or our human side always thinks that we can handle things ourselves.
Yes, I have learned that I can not handle these things on my own. Maybe you've heard the phrase "die to oneself". This is a task that can not be mastered by humans. We are to egotistical and to proud, we are selfish by nature. Not the nature that God intended, for he created us originally without sin, yet when Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge, we fell from grace. So since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have been born sinful. It is only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that our sins can be forgiven. Jesus suffered tremendously in order to win the victory over death that was caused by their fall (the fall of all humanity). Jesus carried the cross, was brutally tortured and ridiculed, yet he had done nothing wrong. Yet, here I sit allowing my husband's sins and the consequences that I suffer for these sins to make me so bitterly angry.
This poses the question... what if Jesus had gotten angry at the sins of humanity and whined about it? What if Jesus had decided to have a pity party instead of carrying that cross. So tonight I will pick up my cross, I will not have a pity party, and I will not go to bed angry. Tonight, I vow to turn my eyes upon Jesus...again... and again... and again.
Til next time!
PEACE!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A little more...LOVE
Well, I have introduced myself as the wife of an addict, but let me tell you a little more.
I am a daughter,
I am a mother,
I am a professional,
but most importantly I am a child of God. When I am weak, He is strong.
I have considered myself a Christian since I was 14 years old. I fell from the church for many years, but when I became thirsty and found that the only thing that could quench that thirst was the word, I was led back to church. I was accepted by God with open arms, for that is how He works. His wonderous works amaze me all the time.
The shame and stigma that go with addiction are very real.....very hurtful. You can tell someone that a loved one has cancer and you get empathy, sympathy, encouragement. Yet, if tell someone that a loved one is an addict or in rehab, you get judged or just maybe you might get sympathy, but they judge your loved one. But let me tell you.... addiction does not discriminate. I knows of no color, no religion, no gender, no profession, it can and it will attack anyone.
My husband's addiction has cost us lots of money, lots of friends, and even family members. How do you forgive that? How do you forgive being judged, ridiculed, and misunderstood? It is not easy. I am still struggling with it. I am speaking here of not only forgiving my husband but also all of the friends and family that have abandoned us both.
God's word teaches me to forgive. How can I not when not only has he forgiven me for every sin I've ever committed, but he has also washed the white as snow; leaving no mark that they ever existed. It isn't easy but I will keep striving for it.
Isiaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
If you or a loved one may be suffering from addiction, please check out the following web link for symptoms and behaviors associated with addiction.
http://addictionblog.org/body/how-to-identify-prescription-drug-addiction/#comment-10660
Til next time,
PEACE
I am a daughter,
I am a mother,
I am a professional,
but most importantly I am a child of God. When I am weak, He is strong.
I have considered myself a Christian since I was 14 years old. I fell from the church for many years, but when I became thirsty and found that the only thing that could quench that thirst was the word, I was led back to church. I was accepted by God with open arms, for that is how He works. His wonderous works amaze me all the time.
The shame and stigma that go with addiction are very real.....very hurtful. You can tell someone that a loved one has cancer and you get empathy, sympathy, encouragement. Yet, if tell someone that a loved one is an addict or in rehab, you get judged or just maybe you might get sympathy, but they judge your loved one. But let me tell you.... addiction does not discriminate. I knows of no color, no religion, no gender, no profession, it can and it will attack anyone.
My husband's addiction has cost us lots of money, lots of friends, and even family members. How do you forgive that? How do you forgive being judged, ridiculed, and misunderstood? It is not easy. I am still struggling with it. I am speaking here of not only forgiving my husband but also all of the friends and family that have abandoned us both.
God's word teaches me to forgive. How can I not when not only has he forgiven me for every sin I've ever committed, but he has also washed the white as snow; leaving no mark that they ever existed. It isn't easy but I will keep striving for it.
Isiaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
If you or a loved one may be suffering from addiction, please check out the following web link for symptoms and behaviors associated with addiction.
http://addictionblog.org/body/how-to-identify-prescription-drug-addiction/#comment-10660
Til next time,
PEACE
Reason I am here
Well hello! First of all I named by blog after a wonderful song by Casting Crowns. The lyrics to the song describe how I feel about my life and where it has ended up. While I have much to be thankful for, unfortunately at this time my life is turning upside down.
My husband and I have been married for just shy of 18 years. For many of those years he has struggled with addiction. His addiction is primarily to the prescription drug xanax, however he has had episodes with Soma's and most recently loratabs. For years I was able to make excuses for him and his behavior. Yet, in recent years everything has spiraled out of control. I can no longer hold things together and so many people have seen through the excuses anyway.
Well due to my faith in God, I am working extremely hard on letting go of trying to control everything and leaving things in his hands. It is difficult but I am trying. As the song "Slow Fade" says... "Nothing ever crumbles in a day" and as you can see I was able to hold onto things for a long time... almost 18 years ago, so it really has been a slow fade coming...crumbling... but this is my life.... for now, with God's help and God's mercy, I am hoping that I can slowly begin rebuilding.
Well that was my introduction more to come later.
Peace!
My husband and I have been married for just shy of 18 years. For many of those years he has struggled with addiction. His addiction is primarily to the prescription drug xanax, however he has had episodes with Soma's and most recently loratabs. For years I was able to make excuses for him and his behavior. Yet, in recent years everything has spiraled out of control. I can no longer hold things together and so many people have seen through the excuses anyway.
Well due to my faith in God, I am working extremely hard on letting go of trying to control everything and leaving things in his hands. It is difficult but I am trying. As the song "Slow Fade" says... "Nothing ever crumbles in a day" and as you can see I was able to hold onto things for a long time... almost 18 years ago, so it really has been a slow fade coming...crumbling... but this is my life.... for now, with God's help and God's mercy, I am hoping that I can slowly begin rebuilding.
Well that was my introduction more to come later.
Peace!
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