Look for your Rainbow.. Here is how I found mine...

Today has been a day filled of unknowns.  The territory of the unknown is a dark and dreary place. A place of fear. A fear of not knowing what to expect, yet expecting that the bottom is going to fall out... AGAIN.  Maybe that is the key. Maybe it is just as much a fear of not knowing but knowing that something is just not quite right.

The pathway that leads to and from addiction is also very dark.  As you try to take a step forward, you also find yourself looking over your shoulder. Feelings of dejevu seem to creep up upon you. Maybe it is a slurred word, or an observation of a shaky hand, or a wild look in his eyes.  Sometimes you witness things in person but when it becomes "your life" you can even observe these things during a phone conversation.  Yes, here we go again.

Time goes by...sometimes a day, sometimes a week or even a month.  And....

Then the clouds seem to disapate. Things seem to be going back to normal. (Ok, so the preverbial normal, for my motto is the only thing normal is the setting on a dryer).  The anxiety fades into the background... slowly, but it fades all the same.  The words are no longer slurred. The wild look is replaced by a spark that at one time was so familiar.  The apologies are sincere. Promises are made. Progress is made. The mind begins to heal. The heartache eases slightly.  The sight of a rainbow appears on the horizon. A glimpse of what the future might hold.

The rainbow a sign of hope sent by God, as a covenant promise.  A promise that can be relied upon, a promise that will never be broken.  Yet, the promises that are spoken from the flesh can be broken. Trust can be shattered and in my world it comes in the form of a tiny pill. A pill that may not cause harm to you, but to the addict and to the family and loved ones of the addict it can be as devastating as a tsunami. A tidal wave that moves with such great force that everything in it's path is stripped away and destroyed.  The waves crash and pound the surfaces that they meet. Then as the storm calms and the waters recede, you are left with debris and wreckage. Sometimes the storm was so fierce that you wonder if anything survived.  You ponder where to start and how to begin putting the pieces back together.  You pray for strength, wisdom,  and mercy. 

There was a time when I retreated to my inner self, for there was no one that I could tell. Not family nor friends, for the shame was much to great. The fear of judgement. Also, ironically the fear of alienation. Would people turn their backs on us and no longer want any thing to do with us? Yet, could I blame them? Had they not experienced the same things as I? Deceitfulness, broken promises, embarrassment. So rather than let them abandon us, it was easier to hide from the shame, make excuses for the behavior; or lack of ...it was easier to hide.  That was until I learned that I was only fooling myself.

Thanks to a wonderful and loving church family, I finally reached the point where I cried out for help. Not help in the form of "Will you do something about this?", but in the form of being able to lay all my cards on the table and no longer make excuses.  The freedom that came next was very liberating. I found the people that would not abandon me or my daughter; and even more amazing was that they wouldn't abandoned my husband.  I found that sometimes your church family will do things that your blood relatives refuse to do. They will love you and pray for you with no strings attached.  And in these people I have found my ultimate rainbow. It is as bright and colorful as I imagine the rainbow from the Noahic covenant.  God's ultimate promise, His unfailing love, His mercy and grace.  An underserving blessing for all humanity to share. 

Til next time

PEACE

Bitterness Bites

Bitterness or anger, whichever verb you choose to call it by; is a harsh reality of ADDICTION.  It is a hard emotion to deal with, I mean who wants to be angry and bitter. Not me, but I am.

It comes in waves. I can have a perfectly fine day, until my perverbial buttons get pushed.  Yes, I admit that it is usually set off by something small. Yet, all in all, I think it is more the stress of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, or because I feel as if I am the one that is responsible for everything. Most of all, I think that I get the most angry and bitter when I feel the reprecussions of the addiction, the consequences. 

For example, why am I the one (along with my daughter) that had to leave our home, our pets, our privacy.  I am now staying with my mother, something I thought I'd never have to do as an adult.  It is like a double edged sword that is constantly slicing, stabbing, knicking in one way or another. 

Well, I am not here to whine about my circumstances, vent a little, but not whine.  Yet, on days like today, I would like to just lay down and cry. Yet, I know that God doesn't want me to have a pity party. So my best opportunity lies in leaving things in His hands. Trusting Him, for He is the source of my strength.  The bible says that "I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me".  Is it hard to Trust Him? Well, the answer to that questions is YES and NO! It is only hard because the flesh or our human side always thinks that we can handle things ourselves. 

Yes, I have learned that I can not handle these things on my own. Maybe you've heard the phrase "die to oneself".  This is a task that can not be mastered by humans. We are to egotistical and to proud, we are selfish by nature.  Not the nature that God intended, for he created us originally without sin, yet when Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge, we fell from grace.  So since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have been born sinful.  It is only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that our sins can be forgiven.  Jesus suffered tremendously in order to win the victory over death that was caused by their fall (the fall of all humanity).  Jesus carried the cross, was brutally tortured and ridiculed, yet he had done nothing wrong. Yet, here I sit allowing my husband's sins and the consequences that I suffer for these sins to make me so bitterly angry. 

This poses the question... what if Jesus had gotten angry at the sins of humanity and whined about it? What if Jesus had decided to have a pity party instead of carrying that cross.  So tonight I will pick up my cross, I will not have a pity party, and I will not go to bed angry.  Tonight, I vow to turn my eyes upon Jesus...again... and again... and again. 

Til next time!

PEACE!