It has been almost two weeks. I dare say that it has been blissful, but it has. The chaos that has stolen my joy for so long is now quiet. I am not naive ~ I know that the chaos will return, for God didn't promise that anything would be easy or free of pain. Yet, I will enjoy the quiet while it last. I know that the storm will rise all too soon, but until then I will treasure the peace and feel the joy that the Lord is blessing me with at the moment.
The peace that I feel seems to be contagious. Everyone around me seems to be a little calmer and a little more light hearted. Yet, maybe it is just my perception, it is hard to tell. Yet, I know that it is God that has picked me up and raised me from the ashes of this chaotic and restless world. As so many times before, it makes me wonder how anyone can not believe in God. I have tried for a dozen years to fix my families problems and each time I failed, but when I trust God all of the pieces fall together. It is like one of those jigsaw puzzles that I used to help my grandmother with. All the pieces seemed to look a like and I struggled to find two pieces that would fit snugly together. I would get so frustrated and impatient. I have done the same in my own jigsaw puzzle life. The frustration that I couldn't make all the pieces fall into place would steal all my joy and rob me of the peace that was there all along. It (Peace) was revealed when I placed my faith in JESUS and gave all my problems over to Him.
I don't mean to make this sound easy, for it is not. I still ( and probably always will) struggle to not control things myself. I continuously have to stop myself and consider that I am being controlling. Self - Denial is the hardest thing to overcome, but everytime I am able to successfully deny myself, I feel as if I walked through the clouds and discovered my silver lining.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
You heard me, Lord and I praise you in this storm
Today is a day of new beginnings. Today is the first day of a new way of life. Today my husband made a giant stride on the long road of recovery. Today he entered a six week residental Christian rehab facility. I praise you O' Lord for this opportunity that you've given him. Yet, I pray as I will continue to pray that you will open his eyes to your will. That you will give him the tools and the resources to begin a new life free of the bondage of addiction. Freedom that can only come from you. Freedom that I know you want him to grasp.
I pray for each moment that he is put outside his comfort zone, as I know there will be many. I pray that you will bless those moments, not by making them easy but by allowing him to see that each of those moments is a step down the long and winding road of his recovery. I praise you, Father for your mercy and grace. The storm is far from over and the road is long before us, but I trust in your goodness, O' Lord. I know that you will watch over us as you always have.
I pray for each moment that he is put outside his comfort zone, as I know there will be many. I pray that you will bless those moments, not by making them easy but by allowing him to see that each of those moments is a step down the long and winding road of his recovery. I praise you, Father for your mercy and grace. The storm is far from over and the road is long before us, but I trust in your goodness, O' Lord. I know that you will watch over us as you always have.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
P.U.S.H.
The last few days have not been good. My husband has been using again for about a week. I just want it to end (the using) and want him to get the help that he needs. Pray Until Something Happens!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Forgiveness
Is forgiveness a common occurance or is it rare?
Before this question can be answered, I think that we first of all need to understand what it really means. So I pull out my trust dictionary, online of course for I am not sure that I even own a hardback version like the one I recall from years ago. hmmm... wonder what ever happened to it? I am sure that if I do still have it is covered in dust for it was long ago abandoned.
Well according to Webster it means:
Forgive: 1. to give up resentment of or claim to requital for 2. to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
The first thing that I noticed was that resentment is repeated and used in both definitions. So in my mind I visualize the two words on a weighted scale. Resentment on one side and Forgiveness on the other. The visual image nearly blows me away.
The feeling of anger or ill-will (aka resentment) is such a common emotion. It comes so natural. It can be manifested in many different forms. There is the silent anger, the raging anger, pouting or fuming. How often do we get angry? Anger comes in times of humiliation or embarrassement, it comes when we feel that we have been betrayed, deceived, rejected, ignored, wronged, or insulted. Then the resentment is manifested further by holding onto those negative emotions.
The act of forgiving and letting go of the resentment, can be such a liberating feeling. Yet, while anger and resentment seem to be a part of human nature, forgiveness does not come easily. In fact, in some cases it can be a life long struggle. Yet, I believe that by choosing not to forgive is choosing to remain the victim.
The bible says this about forgiveness:
- Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (NIV)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Look for your Rainbow.. Here is how I found mine...
Today has been a day filled of unknowns. The territory of the unknown is a dark and dreary place. A place of fear. A fear of not knowing what to expect, yet expecting that the bottom is going to fall out... AGAIN. Maybe that is the key. Maybe it is just as much a fear of not knowing but knowing that something is just not quite right.
The pathway that leads to and from addiction is also very dark. As you try to take a step forward, you also find yourself looking over your shoulder. Feelings of dejevu seem to creep up upon you. Maybe it is a slurred word, or an observation of a shaky hand, or a wild look in his eyes. Sometimes you witness things in person but when it becomes "your life" you can even observe these things during a phone conversation. Yes, here we go again.
Time goes by...sometimes a day, sometimes a week or even a month. And....
Then the clouds seem to disapate. Things seem to be going back to normal. (Ok, so the preverbial normal, for my motto is the only thing normal is the setting on a dryer). The anxiety fades into the background... slowly, but it fades all the same. The words are no longer slurred. The wild look is replaced by a spark that at one time was so familiar. The apologies are sincere. Promises are made. Progress is made. The mind begins to heal. The heartache eases slightly. The sight of a rainbow appears on the horizon. A glimpse of what the future might hold.
The rainbow a sign of hope sent by God, as a covenant promise. A promise that can be relied upon, a promise that will never be broken. Yet, the promises that are spoken from the flesh can be broken. Trust can be shattered and in my world it comes in the form of a tiny pill. A pill that may not cause harm to you, but to the addict and to the family and loved ones of the addict it can be as devastating as a tsunami. A tidal wave that moves with such great force that everything in it's path is stripped away and destroyed. The waves crash and pound the surfaces that they meet. Then as the storm calms and the waters recede, you are left with debris and wreckage. Sometimes the storm was so fierce that you wonder if anything survived. You ponder where to start and how to begin putting the pieces back together. You pray for strength, wisdom, and mercy.
There was a time when I retreated to my inner self, for there was no one that I could tell. Not family nor friends, for the shame was much to great. The fear of judgement. Also, ironically the fear of alienation. Would people turn their backs on us and no longer want any thing to do with us? Yet, could I blame them? Had they not experienced the same things as I? Deceitfulness, broken promises, embarrassment. So rather than let them abandon us, it was easier to hide from the shame, make excuses for the behavior; or lack of ...it was easier to hide. That was until I learned that I was only fooling myself.
Thanks to a wonderful and loving church family, I finally reached the point where I cried out for help. Not help in the form of "Will you do something about this?", but in the form of being able to lay all my cards on the table and no longer make excuses. The freedom that came next was very liberating. I found the people that would not abandon me or my daughter; and even more amazing was that they wouldn't abandoned my husband. I found that sometimes your church family will do things that your blood relatives refuse to do. They will love you and pray for you with no strings attached. And in these people I have found my ultimate rainbow. It is as bright and colorful as I imagine the rainbow from the Noahic covenant. God's ultimate promise, His unfailing love, His mercy and grace. An underserving blessing for all humanity to share.
Til next time
PEACE
The pathway that leads to and from addiction is also very dark. As you try to take a step forward, you also find yourself looking over your shoulder. Feelings of dejevu seem to creep up upon you. Maybe it is a slurred word, or an observation of a shaky hand, or a wild look in his eyes. Sometimes you witness things in person but when it becomes "your life" you can even observe these things during a phone conversation. Yes, here we go again.
Time goes by...sometimes a day, sometimes a week or even a month. And....
Then the clouds seem to disapate. Things seem to be going back to normal. (Ok, so the preverbial normal, for my motto is the only thing normal is the setting on a dryer). The anxiety fades into the background... slowly, but it fades all the same. The words are no longer slurred. The wild look is replaced by a spark that at one time was so familiar. The apologies are sincere. Promises are made. Progress is made. The mind begins to heal. The heartache eases slightly. The sight of a rainbow appears on the horizon. A glimpse of what the future might hold.
The rainbow a sign of hope sent by God, as a covenant promise. A promise that can be relied upon, a promise that will never be broken. Yet, the promises that are spoken from the flesh can be broken. Trust can be shattered and in my world it comes in the form of a tiny pill. A pill that may not cause harm to you, but to the addict and to the family and loved ones of the addict it can be as devastating as a tsunami. A tidal wave that moves with such great force that everything in it's path is stripped away and destroyed. The waves crash and pound the surfaces that they meet. Then as the storm calms and the waters recede, you are left with debris and wreckage. Sometimes the storm was so fierce that you wonder if anything survived. You ponder where to start and how to begin putting the pieces back together. You pray for strength, wisdom, and mercy.
There was a time when I retreated to my inner self, for there was no one that I could tell. Not family nor friends, for the shame was much to great. The fear of judgement. Also, ironically the fear of alienation. Would people turn their backs on us and no longer want any thing to do with us? Yet, could I blame them? Had they not experienced the same things as I? Deceitfulness, broken promises, embarrassment. So rather than let them abandon us, it was easier to hide from the shame, make excuses for the behavior; or lack of ...it was easier to hide. That was until I learned that I was only fooling myself.
Thanks to a wonderful and loving church family, I finally reached the point where I cried out for help. Not help in the form of "Will you do something about this?", but in the form of being able to lay all my cards on the table and no longer make excuses. The freedom that came next was very liberating. I found the people that would not abandon me or my daughter; and even more amazing was that they wouldn't abandoned my husband. I found that sometimes your church family will do things that your blood relatives refuse to do. They will love you and pray for you with no strings attached. And in these people I have found my ultimate rainbow. It is as bright and colorful as I imagine the rainbow from the Noahic covenant. God's ultimate promise, His unfailing love, His mercy and grace. An underserving blessing for all humanity to share.
Til next time
PEACE
Monday, January 31, 2011
Bitterness Bites
Bitterness or anger, whichever verb you choose to call it by; is a harsh reality of ADDICTION. It is a hard emotion to deal with, I mean who wants to be angry and bitter. Not me, but I am.
It comes in waves. I can have a perfectly fine day, until my perverbial buttons get pushed. Yes, I admit that it is usually set off by something small. Yet, all in all, I think it is more the stress of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, or because I feel as if I am the one that is responsible for everything. Most of all, I think that I get the most angry and bitter when I feel the reprecussions of the addiction, the consequences.
For example, why am I the one (along with my daughter) that had to leave our home, our pets, our privacy. I am now staying with my mother, something I thought I'd never have to do as an adult. It is like a double edged sword that is constantly slicing, stabbing, knicking in one way or another.
Well, I am not here to whine about my circumstances, vent a little, but not whine. Yet, on days like today, I would like to just lay down and cry. Yet, I know that God doesn't want me to have a pity party. So my best opportunity lies in leaving things in His hands. Trusting Him, for He is the source of my strength. The bible says that "I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me". Is it hard to Trust Him? Well, the answer to that questions is YES and NO! It is only hard because the flesh or our human side always thinks that we can handle things ourselves.
Yes, I have learned that I can not handle these things on my own. Maybe you've heard the phrase "die to oneself". This is a task that can not be mastered by humans. We are to egotistical and to proud, we are selfish by nature. Not the nature that God intended, for he created us originally without sin, yet when Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge, we fell from grace. So since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have been born sinful. It is only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that our sins can be forgiven. Jesus suffered tremendously in order to win the victory over death that was caused by their fall (the fall of all humanity). Jesus carried the cross, was brutally tortured and ridiculed, yet he had done nothing wrong. Yet, here I sit allowing my husband's sins and the consequences that I suffer for these sins to make me so bitterly angry.
This poses the question... what if Jesus had gotten angry at the sins of humanity and whined about it? What if Jesus had decided to have a pity party instead of carrying that cross. So tonight I will pick up my cross, I will not have a pity party, and I will not go to bed angry. Tonight, I vow to turn my eyes upon Jesus...again... and again... and again.
Til next time!
PEACE!
It comes in waves. I can have a perfectly fine day, until my perverbial buttons get pushed. Yes, I admit that it is usually set off by something small. Yet, all in all, I think it is more the stress of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, or because I feel as if I am the one that is responsible for everything. Most of all, I think that I get the most angry and bitter when I feel the reprecussions of the addiction, the consequences.
For example, why am I the one (along with my daughter) that had to leave our home, our pets, our privacy. I am now staying with my mother, something I thought I'd never have to do as an adult. It is like a double edged sword that is constantly slicing, stabbing, knicking in one way or another.
Well, I am not here to whine about my circumstances, vent a little, but not whine. Yet, on days like today, I would like to just lay down and cry. Yet, I know that God doesn't want me to have a pity party. So my best opportunity lies in leaving things in His hands. Trusting Him, for He is the source of my strength. The bible says that "I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me". Is it hard to Trust Him? Well, the answer to that questions is YES and NO! It is only hard because the flesh or our human side always thinks that we can handle things ourselves.
Yes, I have learned that I can not handle these things on my own. Maybe you've heard the phrase "die to oneself". This is a task that can not be mastered by humans. We are to egotistical and to proud, we are selfish by nature. Not the nature that God intended, for he created us originally without sin, yet when Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge, we fell from grace. So since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have been born sinful. It is only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that our sins can be forgiven. Jesus suffered tremendously in order to win the victory over death that was caused by their fall (the fall of all humanity). Jesus carried the cross, was brutally tortured and ridiculed, yet he had done nothing wrong. Yet, here I sit allowing my husband's sins and the consequences that I suffer for these sins to make me so bitterly angry.
This poses the question... what if Jesus had gotten angry at the sins of humanity and whined about it? What if Jesus had decided to have a pity party instead of carrying that cross. So tonight I will pick up my cross, I will not have a pity party, and I will not go to bed angry. Tonight, I vow to turn my eyes upon Jesus...again... and again... and again.
Til next time!
PEACE!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A little more...LOVE
Well, I have introduced myself as the wife of an addict, but let me tell you a little more.
I am a daughter,
I am a mother,
I am a professional,
but most importantly I am a child of God. When I am weak, He is strong.
I have considered myself a Christian since I was 14 years old. I fell from the church for many years, but when I became thirsty and found that the only thing that could quench that thirst was the word, I was led back to church. I was accepted by God with open arms, for that is how He works. His wonderous works amaze me all the time.
The shame and stigma that go with addiction are very real.....very hurtful. You can tell someone that a loved one has cancer and you get empathy, sympathy, encouragement. Yet, if tell someone that a loved one is an addict or in rehab, you get judged or just maybe you might get sympathy, but they judge your loved one. But let me tell you.... addiction does not discriminate. I knows of no color, no religion, no gender, no profession, it can and it will attack anyone.
My husband's addiction has cost us lots of money, lots of friends, and even family members. How do you forgive that? How do you forgive being judged, ridiculed, and misunderstood? It is not easy. I am still struggling with it. I am speaking here of not only forgiving my husband but also all of the friends and family that have abandoned us both.
God's word teaches me to forgive. How can I not when not only has he forgiven me for every sin I've ever committed, but he has also washed the white as snow; leaving no mark that they ever existed. It isn't easy but I will keep striving for it.
Isiaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
If you or a loved one may be suffering from addiction, please check out the following web link for symptoms and behaviors associated with addiction.
http://addictionblog.org/body/how-to-identify-prescription-drug-addiction/#comment-10660
Til next time,
PEACE
I am a daughter,
I am a mother,
I am a professional,
but most importantly I am a child of God. When I am weak, He is strong.
I have considered myself a Christian since I was 14 years old. I fell from the church for many years, but when I became thirsty and found that the only thing that could quench that thirst was the word, I was led back to church. I was accepted by God with open arms, for that is how He works. His wonderous works amaze me all the time.
The shame and stigma that go with addiction are very real.....very hurtful. You can tell someone that a loved one has cancer and you get empathy, sympathy, encouragement. Yet, if tell someone that a loved one is an addict or in rehab, you get judged or just maybe you might get sympathy, but they judge your loved one. But let me tell you.... addiction does not discriminate. I knows of no color, no religion, no gender, no profession, it can and it will attack anyone.
My husband's addiction has cost us lots of money, lots of friends, and even family members. How do you forgive that? How do you forgive being judged, ridiculed, and misunderstood? It is not easy. I am still struggling with it. I am speaking here of not only forgiving my husband but also all of the friends and family that have abandoned us both.
God's word teaches me to forgive. How can I not when not only has he forgiven me for every sin I've ever committed, but he has also washed the white as snow; leaving no mark that they ever existed. It isn't easy but I will keep striving for it.
Isiaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
If you or a loved one may be suffering from addiction, please check out the following web link for symptoms and behaviors associated with addiction.
http://addictionblog.org/body/how-to-identify-prescription-drug-addiction/#comment-10660
Til next time,
PEACE
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